10 ways to avoid being hit by satellite debris

With a defunct NASA satellite set to fall back to Earth this Friday, it’s time to consider options in case something decides to fall in your backyard, or on a freshly-washed car.

Perhaps one of these ideas will help in preventing being hit by satellite debris:

  1. It’s probably time to make use of that nuclear bunker. Or the outdoor cellar. Whichever is more convenient. Ask your nearest conservative nut job if they have some room to spare.
  2. Take advice from Monty Python, and Run Away.
  3. Call in Bruce Willis and a team of oil rig guys to figure something out.
  4. Pass a stimulus bill to begin a shovel-ready project… next year.
  5. Screen Nicolas Cage movies across the country. Since no object on this earth (or soon-to-be on this earth) wants to see that, it’ll pass right over.
  6. Hide under a desk or near something that is either super-absorbent or impenetrable. Like Michael Moore’s girth, or Chuck Norris’s roundhouse kick, respectively.
  7. Move away from Nevada. It’s the desert where weird stuff usually happens – just look at Roswell, tornadoes, nuclear bomb tests and the movie Independence Day.
  8. Eat at McDonald’s. With any luck, the grease will cause anything to just slide right off.
  9. Fill the oceans with Jell-o mix. It’ll just sink into it. Plus, that would be one large bowl of orange-flavored goodness.
  10. Advance scientific technology to the point where you can transport yourself across the world in a matter of seconds. Of course, presumably if we had this technology, we could keep a satellite from falling out of orbit.

In all seriousness, however, I do hope that no one is hurt by the debris. Let’s hope it falls into a lake or on an uninhabited area, where it won’t do much damage. There is always a risk with placing something in space – whether it’s inanimate or a human being. Although I hear the possibility for casualties is low, stay safe everyone.

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