Halloween costumes to avoid this year

There are some general rules about wearing costumes this time of year, but it’s always helpful to just give them a once-over before making that penultimate choice of personal decor.

1. Nicolas Cage

I know Halloween is meant to be a time of scary costumes, but there’s a fine line between scary and downright frightening. Sure, it would leave the streets wide open for your candy-gathering advances, but dressing up as Nicolas Cage (especially with the mustache) is a bad move. Sure, he’s played the part of bumbling scientist, magician (not sorcerer), redneck and the incredibly dumb luck guy from the “National Treasure” movies… but how about we leave this guy at home?

Think of the children!

2. William Shatner

Like the Cagemeister, the Shat has already left his mark on Halloween in the form of the Michael Myers mask from the “Halloween” movie series. Now, the 1980s William Shatner is slightly more trim than the modern day one. Modern Shatner is about as trim as the 1980s Jimmy Doohan. Running around the streets as modern Shatner would clog most arterials in any city and would probably lead to several traffic accidents.

Plus, by the time you’ve finally adjusted the costume’s curves (or ripples), the night would be finished.

3. Larry Bernandez

Avoid it, only because I call dibs.

4. Barbara Walters

I actually think I meant to put Joan Rivers in here, but they’re so exchangeable that it’s easy to get one mistaken for the other. Just swap a nose here, a lip there and you’re golden. Anyway, like Nicolas Cage, the reason to wear a costume is to get noticed. This involves having people actually look and examine your costume. Being a wrinkle-clad, beyond-retirement-age, SNL-impersonated persona is hardly new and exciting.

Wearing the costume of Baba Wawa, however, is perfectly acceptable.

5. Helen Thomas

How about everyone just avoid going to her door for candy this year, eh? Save our vision. And our children.

6. Gingers

It’s a plight worse than global warming, the economy and what Kim Kardashian is doing at this very moment – wrapped into one. Rumor is, that if you wear a ginger wig, it doesn’t come undone. Save yourself, save the planet.

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